moral code of the flighty white feemail

I, Fdouble-youF

do not listen to hate rhetoric
do not use the word "tolerance" - to "tolerate" is to "put up with," is a cover
support revolution*
*which is where most people dont know where to start with me when we talkin politics
completely pro-woman, pro-difference, pro-change, pro-moving forward, pro-lesbian, pro-gay, pro-trans, pro-womanist, pro-feminist
have learned & am continuing to learn from racist mistakes made in grade school, still changing my own self up to recognize and cut out inherently racist practices and speech
pro "political correctness," aka respecting language*
*i don't find it a problem to fix my fucking speech; this may be because i am not a fucking bigot
am perfectly willing to live in the freest country in the world and see oppression everywhere*
*we live in a very dangerous time
*we're almost at WWIII
*we're all going to be obliterated if there is a WWIII
*but i think we can start a step towards changing for the better instead
*while we are still around i'd rather lend my voice to empowering the oppressed
*i am a future social worker and thus i suppose a "bleeding heart"
*i say let my heart bleed the fuck out
am pro-choice
am not religious but may become someday if i can find a religion that doesnt fuck with my beliefs, think i said that before
am aspiring to be able to ego trip one day*
*nikki giovanni
am trying to work my own shit out,
am trying to do good
dont know why i didnt turn out conservative
and fulla alllll
that hate
but
honey
i am glad
i didnt

i disagree like nobody's business

My Gateway laptop has hit the shits and the Geek Squad hasn't touched it since I "checked it in" a week ago - it was supposed to be fixed either this week or next - so I'm in a fucking computer lab doing two essay assignments, which means I'm reading blogs. I'm reading an interview with Louise Sloan, who recently wrote a book entitled "Knock Yourself Up" (I'm not a fan of that phrase, btw) about choosing to become a single mother. I'm in love with single mothers. I want them to have all the support in the world, more than they know what to do with. I want to send them money and care packages. But Sloan is pretty shady when it comes to chosen single motherhood and women who become single mothers as a result of rape, incest, no access to abortion, or who don't want an abortion. She gleefully reports that even women in socially conservative communities were getting buttloads of love and support! Yeeeeeehaw! Of course they do. Of. Course. They. Do. Now if you're a black young lady with a baby (I can only assume you'd be pegged as having had an unwanted pregnancy even if you had become a single mother by choice, whether you're an intellectual like this woman probably is or you booted the father out for whatever reason, which I'm a supporter of; just because the damn man's around doesn't mean he'd make a good father) you get lambasted.


Also, there's this: "I think that it's really important to make sure that your child feels that the way that she or he came into this world was a positive and happy thing. And so you need to have that attitude yourself."


I went to a charter high school in downtown Pittsburgh with what must have been either a perfect 50% split between people of colour and us crackers or a black majority. Of my classmates, five that I remember had babies (and all of whom dropped out, very unfortunately) and I knew of two abortions (there were two white ladies included here, just to note). I think only one of them had a "rape baby," as one white bitch so crudely put it to me. I had only talked to the woman who had the baby a few times in school but it was so small that you knew the general temperament of everyone, and she was distant but nice, and I can see her being seriously ambivalent about her situation. Now, even if she had been extremely mean and hostile and whatever the fuck it wouldn't have mattered, the same goes for every woman with an unexpected or unwanted pregnancy.

I'm speaking from the school of thought that a struggle never hurt anybody. Life ain't worth shit if it ain't been lived, and I'm not gonna support the programming into ourselves of modes of feeling (baby = happy, pregnant = happy, married = happy). I'm saying let these women be ambivalent about such a fucking drastic life change, and let that genuineness shine through. I'm not saying tell your children what a mistake they were and how much you hate them (though this goes on and I do not encourage it, it's upsetting). I'm saying it ain't a big deal if your kid's asking you this shit, they happen to have been the product of a rape - or they were simply unexpected or unwanted - I wouldn't tell them a lie. I wouldn't tell them something that wasn't appropriate for their age, but I wouldn't coat a lie with the same sugary sweet sticky shit that's made our country fat, lazy and dumb, and the sugary sweet sticky shit in question is the American dream and the illusion of the perfect, ideal, conventional male-female-child(ren) family. Struggle is a part of life. And before I lost this entry the first time I had a whole thing on how much I wish the American Caucasians for whom life has not been a daily struggle could comprehend the fullness of what being born into struggle means for a person, especially a person of colour in a volatile white country like this one. I'm not talking about "life sucks they move on." I'm not dishing out pity to folks born into poverty who struggle daily, because I know they adjust accordingly and they find the good shit in life (and I really fucking hope they do). I'm talking about we wouldn't know what to do if we could comprehend the fullness of everything. Whatever.

I just lost this original post. I was talking about Bill Cosby, whose Oprah episode I caught the last half hour of last week, and how I think the spite he displays for black Americans is very lovely and helpful. And that's sarcasm. I only have to read a few lines into his big fat NAACP speech to know we're not on the same page. He's husband-wife, no child born out of wedlock, pull-your-pants-up-start-speaking-English. And that's not only mature, it's understanding and comprehensive. And THAT is sarcasm!

EXCERPT Y'ALL
"I'm talking about these people who cry when their son is standing there in an orange suit. Where were you when he was two? (clapping) Where were you when he was twelve? (clapping) Where were you when he was eighteen, and how come you don't know he had a pistol? (clapping) And where is his father, and why don't you know where he is?"

Nice clapping add-ins, Cosby's people! Whoo! Yeah! All I can visualize is a crowd of white men clapping like hell, 'cause most of his speech is harping on black Americans to acculturate completely and adhere to the white standard of living. The left-wing white, to boot, not my favourite brand of white folk.

It's nice to know that Cosby's life is so simple. It's nice that he's finally come out of the woodwork to explain to black women everywhere (and my white ass) that if they only put aside all the other shit that was going on in their life - the extent of which I can't even give an example of because I don't know what it's like to be black in this country, where white is the standard and where oppression is still more rampant than anyone's willing to admit to - and fight against the odds, American dream style, and raise their baby to be a good heterosexual man who takes his kids to McDonald's and speaks in perfectly white English! Oh you're so right, you big rich man. I also admire your Rick Santorum-esque idea of family and your further marginalization of an already extremely unseen group, black gays and lesbians. And gays and lesbians of colour. Oooh, yes, you're a good guy. Pud-ding! Ahaha! Sike.

I especially love when he states, "God is tired of you." All I know is this: I am agnostic, so I haven't figured my God out all the way yet, but my God would never be "tired" of anybody. If Bill Cosby's God is as dumb as he is, I hope we do indeed have individual Gods. Although my God wouldn't have let anyone suffer a day in their life, and we wouldn't be at the place we are today. But life, as I so lamely put it before, could never be that simple, so I guess my God doesn't exist. I think I just answered a bigass question.

I can't read any more of this bile, so here it is: http://www.eightcitiesmap.com/transcript_bc.htm Good fucking night, and peace the fuck out! Be good to each other goddamnit.

hey mike huckabee: lick a dick buddy!

An open letter to Mike Huckabee!

Yo!

I'm 19 years old! I'm pro-choice! I love gays and transfolks! I realize that sexuality cannot be limited to 'gay' or 'straight'! I love people of colour and I want my Caucasian people in power to realize the oppression and cut it the fuck out! I realize that you and your kind treat me, a woman, as a second-class citizen! I know that my right to choose overrides, uh, everything! I want socialized medicine damnit! I want every single person in this country insured on a healthcare program and while I'm at it what IS the deal with HOME INSURANCE?!?? I don't believe in your white Jesus or your white God but I identify as agnostic and I am leaving myself open to perhaps converting to a faith if it doesn't fuck with my beliefs!

And I am the new majority, sucka! You, sir, can hide behind your faith and call abortion a modern Holocaust - an insult to my Jewish friends and every single person executed during that massacre who is sick and fucking tired of the Holocaust being thrown out there at every opportunity by the dirty politicians of a nation who birthed IBM who in turn tattooed their arms as if they were animals! - and blame it for illegal immigration (or, uh, whatever the fuck you were trying to say, my 'fucking delusional crazy shit' filter is malfunctioning), but you are the real problem. Has anyone ever said that to you before? You and the other white male bigots who keep on coming up and taking the reigns because you're already in power, and you make it so goddamn hard for minorities to stand alongside you because you've polluted them for years and years and fooled them and cut them at the knees and spread lies to your white sisters and brothers about them and finally you keep pumping life into this "American dream". We're all aware that the true American dream is only achieved by a few choice celebrities (who are only either beautiful or gorgeous) and a few people who either buy into the system or do serious evil. You're a fan of evil, I know. You don't, but I do!

But as long as you live your comfy-ass life, you don't give a shit. Well, buddy, number one, you won't ever be President. You're a dumbass. Number two, you better watch your ass when the liberal majority is in power, bub. I don't know about everyone else, but I am not a friendly girl, and you do not fuck with my right to power over my own damn body.

I have guided my bones through some voltage and loved them still

I am so into that line by Björk but it barely applies to me yet. What have I been through? I have barely any scratches. I did go to Canada where I dealt poorly with some shit and did fine in other ways, sort of, like admitting that I am not all that I think I am and that I was being a real jackass the entire time. The other things, like my dad drinking, my parents getting divorced, us putting Dakota down, I don't consider these things trials and tribulations. My dad's drinking isn't in my face. I don't care about my parents being divorced.

Anyway, I don't know what to do y'all. I am teetering between making what might be a real stupid decision and playing it safe. It's not going to happen right away, and it's not simple. But I have these internal pulls that are so strong, and usually it's to buy something I can't afford. I have learned to ignore those completely but does that mean I have to discredit the pulls towards other things, like big-ass life things?

This Catholic university is a whole load of bullshit. Just today I saw that goddamn girl that's head of the campus Republicans on the fucking news talking about some lameass video they made to get the good folks of Westmoreland County to vote Repub. Not only does she have one of those voices that's so fucking grating and annoying it makes you batshit, her fucking crusade means nothing to me. I can't respect it. This is no doubt a young progressive phase but I really have no respect for people who refuse to use their lives for anything but badgering other people about bullshit that doesn't fucking matter. I don't give a shit where my tax dollars go. I have learned, already, that taxes are invisible, they're out of my face, and the assholes who will never stop charging them can do what they please with it. Only if my tax dollars were being used to oppress the groups I'm going to be using my goddamn time to empower would I become involved. But you know what, bitch? Your conservative policies are All. Bullshit. And a waste of everybody's fucking time.

I'm always thinking about this. How if everyone just shut the fuck up, for ten seconds, and did something positive, how drastically things would change. If women would stop buying shit magazines altogether. If the entire macho male psyche would suspend itself for a day.

I don't get how folks can sit back while their daughters and sons are obliterated and raised to be little oppressive and self-hating machines. Ignorance, I guess, is fine. But we're just going to keep getting dumber and dumber. Soon, I know, I will learn that there's very little you can really do. But you know what? I fear the fucking day I use that as an excuse for my inactivity. I am such a fucking militant female, I swear to God.

Anyway. Teetering. I know that I teeter between average-smarts and big-smarts. I could cut it real well at a state public school but I can't get the scholarships to the Ivies or the other big private schools. Expensive, private and Catholic Seton Hill doesn't countsies. My midterm grades are all fabulous with one C- which I can bring up to the B level with longer study hours. I haven't been studying half as hard as I'm supposed to be and I'm pulling a great GPA.

REASON I'm taking freshman courses
BUT REALLY I didn't take any of these courses at York
REASON I'm already interested in sociology and psychology
BUT REALLY I'm smarter than I think I am

So I'm dealing with that. I don't know where to place myself in the grand scheme of academia. I don't KNOW where to apply. I have these ideas, and I have some resources, and I'm willing to struggle. Does the universe see me setting myself up to struggle like crazy? I am a total fool for wanting to put myself in a position where I'm struggling day to day but I'm also really fucking keen on getting used to it, since I'm getting a fucking BSW which doesn't pay enough to let you live on your own and/OR pay back student loans reasonably, and how the fuck can I empathize with people if I'm sitting back and living it up? Whatever. All I know is, I have this one life that I fucking know of. And I want to see all sides of it. I'm willing to struggle really fucking hard, and it's easy because I have family that will allow me to fall back on them. They can't bail me out and bail me out and bail me out (they've done it once already), but if I fail really miserably I can stay home for a while.

These fucking decisions, I swear to God. Ridiculous. And I used to sit and cry and say "Where is my sign? Why can't someone tell me what to do?" Number one, I've learned in social work already that submission is extremely dangerous. Two, you don't always get a fucking sign. I'd be too oblivious to see it anyway. So I'm gonna go where I think I should be, I'm gonna do the dumb shit that 19 year olds are given a pass to do and I hope my family can support me and I hope I don't have to do it alone. And I hope I make it!

"there is turmoil out there
carnage! rambling!
what is to do but dig"

don't call me, don't write

Coming to the school where I'm at was another bad decision in a long line of bad decisions on my part. I never make the good choice. I think it's part of being flighty and white, but I ain't gonna bring the girl part into this one.

Around now is the time I have to decide whether the constant uneasiness and unwillingness to settle in one place is my self telling me I need to get up and go, or me looking around and thinking the stereotypical better places are really better. I may have to drop out of my new school soon for lack of money and family members unwilling to co-sign my loans, since I haven't gotten into the credit game yet. But I don't feel right putting somebody in that position, even if I know my nana is damn well able to pay for my education outright. And I ain't gonna go and not pay my loans, putting them on my mom and whoever signs these brand new loans.

I like going to school but I don't love it. I'm good at it. I'm getting As across the board right now (then again I am taking freshman classes, technically I'm a sophomore). I'm good at it but I'm restless and it keeps me unhappy. I don't love learning. I kinda hate it. I don't want to sit here in western Pennsylvania for much longer. I'll just say it: I'd rather be in Baltimore, Philly, or New York. I'd rather live and work and try to go to school in the meantime. I am foolish saying all this, but what am I supposed to say? I don't know. I have the flighty tendency to think "anywhere's better than here". It's pipe dreams that all kids have to sit through. I have a stable life here but I want to be on my own with a good friend. Not being in school doesn't scare me, except for the fact my student loans from first year are gonna pop up real quick.

I don't know what to do, y'all. I'll have to talk to my best friend then my family, see who's willing to do what, and how much money my dad has put away for me. If it's more than I expect, I may be packing up and making another bad decision.

excuse me, i have another judgment to make

So a rich woman lives what is not a conventional life - two homes (WHAT!), successful writer (no successful writer is conventional), all that shit - then she decides she doesn't want a child (I decided that when I was straight-up 11 years old), gets a divorce (God forbid) and uses three foreign countries as the Windex and paper towel for cleaning up her life. Hence, Eat Pray Love by Some White Lady. Her extremely comfortable life falls apart and she heads where all white people head when they get to that convenient midlife crisis stage of their lives. It appears to me that, while a shitload of people in the United States and Canada live in poverty and in constant states of crisis, rich folks FREAK the fuck out, their "lives fall apart" and they whisk themselves off to Europe. I'm not trying to say that a healthy income means you can't suffer from psychological disease - disease, in general, does not discriminate amongst people. I'm saying the way they deal with their shit is just ridiculous, especially when they're lucky enough to live criminally comfortable lives. So this white bitch goes off to Italy, India and Indonesia - Indofuckingnesia - to find herself. You. Have got. To be. Kidding.

Go ahead, bitch. Just use the world as your trash can, and do whatever the fuck you wanna do. I, for one, am sick of reading shit about stuff I'll never get to do, and I don't want my mother reading it and becoming more miserable than she already is and I know she's never gonna get to see any part of Europe. And we live perfectly comfortable lives ourselves. My lower middle class family tottering between the class lines IS the conventional life, not this goddamn lady's.

omfg

I'm watching Oprah and Halle Berry is on and Oprah's beefing up Benicio del Toro so fucking much - and I spent a good lot of the 2000s fucking obsessed with him - that I think he's gonna give me and everyone watching at home a fucking orgasm, and he comes out looking like a clown. His hair's REALLY fucking weird, his facial hair makes him look like shit, he's got those chubby fingers that make me insane and when he opens his mouth he sounds like a kid. His voice. Bleeehhh. Definitely not "mysterious" and "oozing sexuality and confidence" today, bitches. He has the ability to "ooze" these things but he sure ain't doin' it right na.