I have guided my bones through some voltage and loved them still

I am so into that line by Björk but it barely applies to me yet. What have I been through? I have barely any scratches. I did go to Canada where I dealt poorly with some shit and did fine in other ways, sort of, like admitting that I am not all that I think I am and that I was being a real jackass the entire time. The other things, like my dad drinking, my parents getting divorced, us putting Dakota down, I don't consider these things trials and tribulations. My dad's drinking isn't in my face. I don't care about my parents being divorced.

Anyway, I don't know what to do y'all. I am teetering between making what might be a real stupid decision and playing it safe. It's not going to happen right away, and it's not simple. But I have these internal pulls that are so strong, and usually it's to buy something I can't afford. I have learned to ignore those completely but does that mean I have to discredit the pulls towards other things, like big-ass life things?

This Catholic university is a whole load of bullshit. Just today I saw that goddamn girl that's head of the campus Republicans on the fucking news talking about some lameass video they made to get the good folks of Westmoreland County to vote Repub. Not only does she have one of those voices that's so fucking grating and annoying it makes you batshit, her fucking crusade means nothing to me. I can't respect it. This is no doubt a young progressive phase but I really have no respect for people who refuse to use their lives for anything but badgering other people about bullshit that doesn't fucking matter. I don't give a shit where my tax dollars go. I have learned, already, that taxes are invisible, they're out of my face, and the assholes who will never stop charging them can do what they please with it. Only if my tax dollars were being used to oppress the groups I'm going to be using my goddamn time to empower would I become involved. But you know what, bitch? Your conservative policies are All. Bullshit. And a waste of everybody's fucking time.

I'm always thinking about this. How if everyone just shut the fuck up, for ten seconds, and did something positive, how drastically things would change. If women would stop buying shit magazines altogether. If the entire macho male psyche would suspend itself for a day.

I don't get how folks can sit back while their daughters and sons are obliterated and raised to be little oppressive and self-hating machines. Ignorance, I guess, is fine. But we're just going to keep getting dumber and dumber. Soon, I know, I will learn that there's very little you can really do. But you know what? I fear the fucking day I use that as an excuse for my inactivity. I am such a fucking militant female, I swear to God.

Anyway. Teetering. I know that I teeter between average-smarts and big-smarts. I could cut it real well at a state public school but I can't get the scholarships to the Ivies or the other big private schools. Expensive, private and Catholic Seton Hill doesn't countsies. My midterm grades are all fabulous with one C- which I can bring up to the B level with longer study hours. I haven't been studying half as hard as I'm supposed to be and I'm pulling a great GPA.

REASON I'm taking freshman courses
BUT REALLY I didn't take any of these courses at York
REASON I'm already interested in sociology and psychology
BUT REALLY I'm smarter than I think I am

So I'm dealing with that. I don't know where to place myself in the grand scheme of academia. I don't KNOW where to apply. I have these ideas, and I have some resources, and I'm willing to struggle. Does the universe see me setting myself up to struggle like crazy? I am a total fool for wanting to put myself in a position where I'm struggling day to day but I'm also really fucking keen on getting used to it, since I'm getting a fucking BSW which doesn't pay enough to let you live on your own and/OR pay back student loans reasonably, and how the fuck can I empathize with people if I'm sitting back and living it up? Whatever. All I know is, I have this one life that I fucking know of. And I want to see all sides of it. I'm willing to struggle really fucking hard, and it's easy because I have family that will allow me to fall back on them. They can't bail me out and bail me out and bail me out (they've done it once already), but if I fail really miserably I can stay home for a while.

These fucking decisions, I swear to God. Ridiculous. And I used to sit and cry and say "Where is my sign? Why can't someone tell me what to do?" Number one, I've learned in social work already that submission is extremely dangerous. Two, you don't always get a fucking sign. I'd be too oblivious to see it anyway. So I'm gonna go where I think I should be, I'm gonna do the dumb shit that 19 year olds are given a pass to do and I hope my family can support me and I hope I don't have to do it alone. And I hope I make it!

"there is turmoil out there
carnage! rambling!
what is to do but dig"